we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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