I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize