Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
