the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
