whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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