So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Two words: nipple clamps
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