They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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