hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
