I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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