Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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