There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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