just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
