I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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