I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
