Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
