I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Come on in and take your pants off
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