I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
