I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
