burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
