I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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