I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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