Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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