I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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