"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
