my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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