I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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