What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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