the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
