Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
