im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Boobs speak an international language.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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