you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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