This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't deserve a penis
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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