okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
