Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
