In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize