We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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