I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
