It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
