Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
