Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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