i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
