the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
