Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
