Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
