Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
