let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's shark week go big or go home
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
