she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
