I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm like, not good at living.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
