Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
