i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
