I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
