My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
True college students do jello shots in the library
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
