All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
