I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
