Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
