There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
