How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
