my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize