Plan B is the new Plan A
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
