i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
