Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
