How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
