My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
