I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
