Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
