The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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